Sunday, July 19, 2009

I'm just not ready for this.

Tomorrow after tomorrow I will leave for Kenya.

I am not ready.

I'm not ready to get up two days from now to an alarm at an ungodly hour. I'm not ready to fly hours and hours at a time. I'm not ready for the friendships and relationships I will build. I'm not ready for the difference in culture, in communication, in physical surroundings. I'm not ready for layovers and baggage questions and changing money and time zones. I'm not ready to leave home again.

I'm not ready for tomorrow. I'm not ready to start the headless chicken dance. I'm not ready to pack, and try to remember everything that was on my list. I'm not ready to ache because I already miss my family and my home. I'm not ready to meet with a client and check photography to-dos off my list. I'm not ready to try to squeeze so much into the twenty-four hours before I leave the country.

I'm not ready for today. I'm not ready to meet with my team and go through the emotions of preparation and prayer. I'm not ready to try to imagine what three weeks in Kenya will look like. I'm not ready to give, emotionally, on that level, or to anticipate giving like that. I'm not ready to say goodbye to Christina as she flies home. I'm not ready to be prayed over in Church. I'm not ready for questions asked by people that I love, and people that love me. I'm not ready to be vulnerable.

I'm just not ready.

But I am needy. I need love, and encouragement, and prayer, and support. I need to know that people don't understand, but they pray and love and give, anyway. I need to know that what I'm doing is worth something in the grand scheme of time and Eternity. I need to know that it's okay to be exhausted, to be spent, to hit dirt bottom in my work of building the kingdom. I need people who will not despise my emptiness, or judge me for giving, or try to tell me to stop working so hard. I need to know that dirt bottom isn't the end of the road.

I need to love my Jesus more.

1 comment:

Heather said...

praying for you. it's usually in our weakest that He shines through the brightest and gives us His strength. can't wait to read about His faithfulness in this journey! :)