I choose trust

"God gives us the vision, then He takes us down to the valley to batter us into the shape of the vision... Every vision will be made real if we have patience... The vision is not a castle in the air, but a vision of what God wants you to be... If you have ever had the vision of God, you may try as you like to be satisfied on a lower level, but God will never let you." —Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest

Yesterday morning I sat on the front porch with coffee in hand, and prayed that God would "open up the windows of heaven and pour down blessing until there are no more needs." (Mal. 3:10) I leave for Kenya in two weeks, and life is just busy, both before the trip and after I get home, and my needs— physical, emotional, financial, and spiritual— are great.

This morning I thought about the previous 24-hour period and all that had transpired, and wondered if I'd prayed the right thing.

I found that my savings account has only half as much as I thought— not due to error or theft, but just because I thought there was more in there. My primary lens keeps back-focusing, giving me fits. One of the scroll wheels on my camera malfunctioned, so it's stuck on extreme settings (which means I have to send it in for repair). My camera's extended warranty company will do absolutely nothing to guarantee repair before I leave the country in two weeks. By now, I feel slightly desperate. To top it off, I hear a story of God's abundant provision for someone else I know, and to my shame, I responded by breaking down in tears. I prayed for blessing.

It certainly doesn't feel like God is answering that prayer for blessing. In fact, it feels much more like He's withholding blessing than anything else.

But then I remembered that quote from Oswald Chambers, and a conversation I had with a friend about Hudson Taylor and waiting until the very last minute to watch God provide, and conversation with another friend about the wisdom and kindness of God. And I decided that I'm going to trust Him.

After all, my God has not changed. My circumstances have changed, and my perspectives have changed, and my perceived needs have changed. But God has not changed. He is every bit as loving and kind and faithful today as He was yesterday. He has provided for me in so many miraculous ways in the course of my life. Why would I doubt that this time will be any different?

Pray for me in the meantime. This "learning to wait, learning to trust" thing is not easy. And even on those days when my will is set on obedience in all of the right ways, my feelings still like to flop all over the place. When it comes down to it, though, I will trust. And I will love God all the more because of it.

Listen to Psalm 116b by Sons of Korah