Feeding on crumbs

"It is sweet to be nothing and have nothing, and to be fed with crumbs from the hand of God." (The Valley of Vision)

I don't know that I could number the times that I have repeated this to myself in the past year. My family has never had much money. I'm used to living on a tightwad budget, and I have a hard time comprehending what it means to not have financial needs, or what it's like to have money to spend as you wish. The prayers before every single meal include supplications for whatever that greatest need is at the time. When all eleven of us lived in a 2100-square-foot house, we prayed three times a day for four years before God provided us with a new home.

But my parents instilled in us a firm belief in God's ability to care for our needs in every way. I am incredibly grateful that I don't have much money, and that my family never had much, either. I am incredibly grateful that I can't buy things when I want them, or I think I need them. Granted, it's hard. Very hard. I have shed many tears over the fact that money just isn't there when I think I need it. But if God is sovereign— and I believe with all that is in me that He is sovereign— then He knows what I need, and He always provides to fill those needs.

And it seems that those needs never go away. As a photographer, I don't have nearly as much equipment as I "should" have for the work that I do— lenses, accessories, software, etc. As an adult, I don't have nearly as many things as a normal person my age should have— a car, a savings account, a source of steady income, or a boyfriend. But these needs, and the consciousness of my inability to fulfill them, make me more aware of God's hand of provision, feeding my soul with "crumbs" from His table.

If I had money, I would have purchased Adobe Photoshop CS3 more than a year ago when I first knew that I needed it. Instead, I prayed and I waited, and God dropped it into my lap for $400 less than I would've spent last year.

If my family had money to travel and vacation and go do things, memories would consist of places and events, not times spent sitting around the living room for hours on end with coffee in hand, laughing and telling stories like we did today.

If my parents had money to give us whatever they wanted to, our Easter baskets would be full of books and gifts and items. But this year, Dad took each of our Bibles and placed them in our baskets, and shared his heart's desire for His children to fall in love with God's Word.

I would miss so much if I had the money to buy what I want and go where I want and do what I want. Yes— it's hard to wait on God's provision, and hard to trust when He doesn't provide what and when I want Him to provide. But I know the sweetness of having nothing and being nothing. I know those crumbs from His hand.

And I wouldn't trade those crumbs for all the money in the world.